40 Days to Become Week 3 – Learning to Trust

This is a very difficult post for me. I am writing my thoughts as they come and putting them here. Not sure of the result but here we go…

 If you have been following my blog, you know that I can be very transparent.  I understand the risks involved in this.  Most people are very uncomfortable with transparent people and I believe this is why I have such a difficult time with relationships.  There was a time in my life where I was more concerned about others perceptions of me than about being real and able to connect with others like me who may feel empty, lonely, rejected, hopeless, or whatever because deep relationships are a rare treat…and well, sadly, all too often, short lived.  I have learned since that our world is full of hurting people who need real and not an image.

Due to the level of repeated rejection I continue to experience in life, it has become difficult for me to remain strong in faith and trusting in any relationship.  The problem is just that, however, I don’t need to trust in any relationship or believe that any relationship is going to last.  Life has proven that nothing is guaranteed and well, everyone is disposable.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a parent, sibling, child, friend, or even the spouse that you vowed to stay with until death.  I have experienced the “dumping” full circle in all of these relationships at one time or another.  (Please hang with me, there is light at the end of this tunnel I promise!)

With that said, as I have written in previous posts; I struggle to stay in a place of trust.  I know that just as everyone is disposable, none of us is really ever completely trustworthy.  There is only One who is trustworthy. There is only One who will never leave or forsake me. There is only One who keeps all of His promises.  He is God.  He is Jesus.  He is the Holy Spirit.  He is in me.  But because of the lifetime of breeches of trust in relationships, even though my head knows that I can trust my God in all things, my heart still sometimes fears that God wants me to be alone and only loved by Him.  In all Truth, that should be enough.  It should be more than enough.  His love is more than sufficient.  But, the human side of me wants more.  How crazy is that?  How can I want more than what God is?  The human side wants people in my life that I know will stay.  The human side wants the security of stability in relationships here and now, in this life…a security that has never been a part of my life by any stretch of the imagination.

My security can only come from God.  My stability can only come from God.  But then again, I do what He tells me not to do.  He tells me not to fear.  It has been said that there are 365 times in the Bible where we are told to not be afraid.  I know that it is mentioned at least 70 times.  It doesn’t matter really. The number is not important.  What is important is that fear is not from God (2 Timothy 1:7).

Isaiah 41:10 – So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Philippians 4: 6,7 – Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

2 Timothy 1:7 – For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

1 John 4:18 – There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

So, what am I afraid of and why?  

I  am not afraid of God.  I know that fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. But, this fear is not an “afraid” fear that we should run or cower in his presence.  God sent Christ to die for us and because of this we can boldly approach the throne of God as His children that He loves.  The fear that is connected with wisdom is the respect and reverence that results from recognizing and being in awe of God’s awesome power, authority, grace mercy, sovereignty, perfection and all that He is.  It’s knowing how big He is and how small I am.  It’s knowing that I can do all things by His power in me and absolutely nothing apart from Him.

This takes me back to John 15.  It takes me back to previous posts about pressing on and not looking back.  When I look at my track record with relationships..a record that stems all the way back to childhood, I look at being bullied all through school.  I look at multiple divorces and abuse.  I look at betrayal of dearly loved friends and even see where I was the betrayer.  I see instability, insecurity and hopelessness.  This is what it does to me when I look back and bring the past into present situations.  This is the pit that swallows me every time a friend hurts me or a relationship falls apart.  This is what happens when I go from one church body to another and never find a place where I feel like I belong.  I put my hope in things on earth.  I put my hope in people.  I put my trust in the carnal.  All of these things are cursed since The Fall of Mankind in the Garden of Eden.  All of these things are temporary at best.  There is only one thing that is sure. There is only one thing that is stable. There is only one place where my security can rest.  That thing, that place is the One True Vine.  When I abide, I grow and thrive.  When my trust is in anyone or anything else, I wither and fail.  I am withering now.  I am failing in this moment, today.

I have removed myself from relationships that seem unstable. Believe me, it was heart wrenching at best.  It has left me at this point without any meaningful, growing deep friendships.  Letting go of people I love is so hard.  

Then, the trust issue comes in again.  I don’t let go because I don’t trust God.  I don’t trust that His will is best.  I don’t trust that I can have lasting peace and joy without meaningful friendships.  I don’t trust that He is Sovereign and I don’t believe Romans 8:28.  Instead, I fear, “What if God never allows that friend back into my life?”  This is not trust.  This is sin.  This is giving priority to a relationship. It is idol worship.

I believe that I cannot have joy without meaningful earthly relationships.  God created me to be relational.  I am supposed to be in relationships.  Okay so what do I do?  

I need to get to a place where I trust in God’s sovereignty, faithfulness, love, compassion, mercy and power.  He alone has the power to change hearts.  If God asks me to let go of those whose hearts are not for me, then  I must trust that His is ALWAYS for me and if He is for me, then who can be against me?  If He is for me and I am abiding in Him, then those who are against me have more to be concerned with than I do.  

If people I love do not love in return, then I must cut them off and trust that God is going to fill that place first with Himself, then also with others. It is better for me to be alone than to constantly chase after relationships with those who have better things to do.  I must trust that if He chooses to never let a former loved one back into my life, that He is perfect and that is what is best.  He knows whether or not that relationship will ever bring the kind of fulfillment He desires for us to have with others. He has the power to bring in new joyful relationships in His time for His glory and purpose and for our good. 

I want friendships that bring glory to God.  No matter how wonderful it is, if it ever stops glorifying God, I need to cut it off.  If I don’t, then that relationship will drain me from the source of life I need to grow and thrive in Christ.  They will distract me from abiding in the Vine.  I will cut myself off from these relationships or cut myself off from my life source and die.

I am in the pit today. I am in a valley of great despair but I am not without hope because God is in this pit with me and He will pull me out.  I have no choice but to trust Him or stay here and deprive myself of the abundant life that is waiting for me in Christ, a life that will minister to others like me, a life that He will use to lift others our of their pits too.

 

Does Your Life Need a Change?

The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel

Has your life changed suddenly…
and you really don’t understand.
Have you asked God to change your situation…
but your heart is truly towards man.
Have you prayed and prayed for change…
but no change was in sight.
Until in your total brokenness…
you truly turned towards the Light.

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Repentant Hearts…Let Go of Pride

This spoke to me today.

The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel

Repentant hearts…
is what God requires.
Truly wanting to change…
and giving up fleshly desires.
But there is a block…
behind which these lusts hide.
And it destroys many…
this spirit of pride.

So if you want to change…
and be truly transformed.
Then come humbly to God…
but be forewarned.
This spirit of pride…
is the downfall of many man.
For it hides the truth…
and many don’t understand.

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How Do I Pray?

Today, during my prayer time, I brought some frustrations to the Lord.  I have been struggling about prayer.  I have been reading Oswald Chambers’ “His Utmost Highest” devotional this year.  It’s absolutely wonderful with some amazing insight. But, as with all authors, I don’t agree with everything. I do have a mind of my own and I seek God when I don’t agree with some things.  One thing I have struggled with is prayer.

There have been multiple devotions that discuss the Christian’s prayer life. They have caused conflict in my spirit.  That, coupled with things that John Piper has said (as well as my favorite author, Beth Moore, pastors, professors and others), has caused me to be frustrated when I pray.  Should I just praise God and not ask for anything?  Should I just pray for the needs of others since He already knows my needs?  Should I just praise God and pray for the salvation of the lost?  Should I pray for every single request that comes to mind?  Should I only pray what I know is God’s will?  Should I pray the Lord’s Prayer like Jesus did and nothing more or less??? It goes on and on and on.

Today, I fell before the Lord and asked Him, “Lord, what is right and what is wrong for me to pray for? How do you want me to pray?”

He responded, “I just want you to spend time with me.  Just talk to me.  I will guide the conversation if you trust me.  Come to me with a heart of reverence and worship. Trust the Holy Spirit to lay on your heart what you should bring to me and when you should remain quiet and listen.”

There are lots of scriptures I could post on prayer.  But, today.  I’m just sharing what God wrote…on MY heart. I don’t need to worry if I ask for the right things or not. His answer and timing will always be perfect.  If I ask wrong, He will always answer right.

Now that I have written this before I forgot, I think I’ll go spend some more time talking to Him.  Perhaps you could just take a moment right now and do the same.

 

 

40 Days to Become: Week One – Pressing On

This post is going to be fun for me even if nobody reads it because I’m just going to talk about what God has done with me this week.  It will be long because He is doing so much.  I have been trying to find that place in my walk (journey of becoming more like Jesus) with God where He has the controls and I’m not trying to manipulate things as I think they should be.

I’m trying to connect with Jesus and hear from Him as I go about my day.  I have put aside things that may distract me from my focus during this time. It started out as one thing and then as the week went on, I began to notice many things distracting me so one by one, I am eliminating these distractions and it is totally changing the direction of my life! I started out limiting my time on Facebook, which is one of my biggest distractions lately.  Then, I noticed that I was just using other means of social networking to replace that time such as email, Instagram, Twitter and other things.  I didn’t hang out in those places much, but I just want to be careful that I don’t because I want my focus to be on God alone (it has not been easy by any stretch of the most creative imagination).

The next thing I realized I needed to do was to avoid listening to any secular music during  this time.  That hasn’t been a huge sacrifice because I don’t listen to it much anyhow.  But, with that realization comes the fact that there are some things I watch on television that are a distraction to my relationship with God as well.  I’m not saying these things are evil or bad in any way (although I’m not implying that they aren’t either).  I just know that the crime shows and one particular sitcom that I like, well the focus is usually very liberal and very not friendly to Christianity.  So, although I don’t feel like I need to forbid myself from these things altogether, I am turning off the television more (also to help Hubby because that is the distraction he is trying to avoid and he shut off his secular music to help me last night so I think I need to support him as well).  I digress.

I know this seems like a lot and some people might see me as OCD with this.  But, I have some things in my life that I have battled for a very long time and I am determined to have victory over them once and for all during this season in my life. These struggles have been such a huge distraction and have stunted my growth as a believer.  They have kept me from moving forward in my life and on my journey with God.  I want more of Him and less of me. I want to press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14).

God has called me into fellowship with Jesus Christ.  As Mandisa says in her song, “Press On”, I am putting one step in front of the other with no looking back. When I am running a race and I am running to win, I know that if my focus is anywhere but the finish line, I will slow down, especially when I look behind.  This has been the biggest stumbling block in my walk with God. I have to stop looking back. I have to stay focused on the finish line where my prize awaits, that wonderful perfect place of  lasting joy, peace and fellowship with Christ no matter what is going on around me.  It is the goal.  It is my victory.

Please bear with my posts as they are going to be much more laid back and real for a while (perhaps even all over the place).  I’m still working on John 15, and I will post as I am inspired but today, this is my inspiration.  I want to tell you about this amazing journey and I want you to go on this journey with me as much as possible because it’s a journey we are all on as believers.  (If you are not a believer, I hope to inspire you to become one and join me in this marvelous adventure! If you’re interested, please contact me either in comments or via email .

In summary, I started out on day one understanding that I needed to remove any distractions.  So, I removed the one thing I knew had to go.  But, as the week progressed, God has been showing me so much more. I never realized how many things were distracting me. One thing that has really been helping me to see clearly and think clearly is that I joined TOPS in hopes to lose a few pounds over the next year.  In the process, I have entered into a walking contest for the summer.  I don’t know what the prize is but for me, I have already won!  The goal for the contest is to help people to see the benefits of walking daily.  I started out with a goal to walk at least 2 miles a day.  Then it was 3 miles, then 5.  Well, I have met and exceeded all those goals and am working my way to 7.5 miles which is 15,000 steps (update: completed over 16,000 steps/8 miles after writing this).  I also have begun bike riding and this wonderful workout program that keeps me so focused on God and inspired.  I am worshiping God in ways I never knew were possible and TOPS isn’t even a Christian program!

I worship with music as I walk and exercise.  I am exercising to a work out routine that I developed by putting together a bunch of my favorite work out videos to make a 30 minute workout complete with warm ups and cool downs. All the songs God has led me to listen to have had very positive messages to encourage me in my walk with God and strengthen areas in my life where I am weak. I am learning to love God better with all of me: body, mind and spirit.  All of this has come in only the first week. I have struggled so much and been set free from so many things. I have a long way to go but I am going to finish this race and finish well because my Savior is running with me all the way, cheering me on and strengthening me even when I feel like giving up!  I prayed for God to help me to love exercise and I am feeling His answer.  I am experiencing the endurance that comes from working hard.  I am able to go longer and accomplish more as I go. God is teaching me through my physical sacrifice about spiritual sacrifice and how we can stand stronger when it gets tough if we are fit for the test.

Well, I could go on forever but I need to call it a night.  I wish hundreds of people read my posts because I sure would love to share this experience with as many people as I can!!!!

Friend of God

“Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.” – John 15: 13-15

For the first 7 days of July, I have been participating in what Anne Graham calls 777.  It is a time of praying for our nation.  For the first 7 days of the 7^th month we pray prayers led by Anne Graham online. We pray together, with one voice, in unity to God.  It is a time for repentance for our nation.  On the 7^th day, we have been asked to fast for 7 hours. 

Today, is day 3.  Here is a portion of the prayer that troubled me:

• “We repent of our attitude of familiarity with You that has caused us to lose our reverential fear of You, and thus we have not even the beginning of wisdom with which to handle the vast knowledge we possess.”

The reason this troubled me is because the Bible refers to Jesus as our friend.  I struggled with the fact that I have heard it preached so much that we are to fear and respect God.  I asked Jesus today, “I know You call me friend.  I don’t want to demean you or fall short in my reverence and awe of you.  How do I know I have this right?  How do I reconcile friendship with you and fear of you? I know these things come together somehow but I want to understand more.”

Nobody can tell me that God is not real, or that He is not always listening, or that He does not respond to our prayers.  I kept trying to rationalize this in my mind and tried to figure out how to reconcile it. 

On the way home, I was listening to my favorite Christian author and teacher, Beth Moore when she was discussing how God came to Abraham as a friend and how much she desired to be a friend of God.  I immediately asked out loud, “But how can we do this?”  Then, she asked the same question. Next, she referenced John 15:14.  I was in awe!

I have felt God leading me to study John 15 through the 40 Days to Become that our church is participating in.  Today, God opened my eyes to something I have been trying to see clearly for so long.  Sunday’s message at church touched on how we are lacking fear and reverence toward God by thinking of Jesus as our “homeboy”.  It was then I asked, “How can I call Jesus my friend yet, still have a healthy fear and respect at the same time?”

The reconciliation is in John 15:14.  It is our obedience to God (which comes from fear and the desire to keep His commands), that brings us to a place where He reveals his deepest secrets to us – as friends.  Unless we fear God and seek to obey His commands, we cannot have friendship with Him!  It’s so simple.  So perfect. So God.

I can know now that I Am a Friend of God!

 

 

 

Inside me deeply Part 4

This is a young woman who has been following my blogs. I am not good about blogging or following blogs, but today I discovered that something terrible happened to her…well many terrible things have happened to her.  But, recently, she tried to commit suicide. I started going back and reading her posts to make sense of what I was reading. I had no idea what I was in for…many surprises. But, this one…well, I had to reblog this post because of my pro-life convictions. If anybody had an excuse to abort she did, but she chose life. My heart breaks for this woman and all that she has been through. I will be praying for her.

aghostdancer

Inside me deeply Part 4 (Abortion)

Today is a more serious subject.

I was going to talk about rape but instead another of life’s lessons makes more sense. Today we will talk about abortion and the choices and blessings of being a woman. The choice to not abort a child and the silver lining born from that choice.

In Part 1 we covered cutting and my need for control. In Part 2 we covered suicide and the control I thought mine to exercise. In Part 3 we covered my years as a stripper.

At a time days after my rape and while still hospitalized and after the doctors had made me a new cheek bone. The stitches still a painful memory of my disfigured face. I received some news that I was pregnant.

I received many visitors in the days that followed. Our family pastor came and told me god…

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A New Journey Begins

Saturday, June 28, our church began a 40 day journey to become.  A little less than week prior to this, our pastor explained this journey.  I wasn’t present that day.  I just felt like I was not supposed to go.  So, instead of going to church, I stayed home and spent time praying and listening to God.

I felt God leading me to write everything that came to me.  It began revolving around John 15:5, but, as I kept writing, more verses from John 15 came to me. Through my writing, it seemed as though the message I felt God’s Spirit speaking to my heart was that the church has lost sight of her purpose. My heart has been grieving for so long because I knew something wasn’t right but I just couldn’t place my finger on the problem.  I felt a need to just pull back and clear my head and listen to God that day.

What I started to put together (as I was writing) was that God wanted to share His burden for the church and how she has lost sight of her first love.  She has become more about people and less about the Father.  Christians are so busy doing things but are we missing the point?  I have been very frustrated by this for some time and have had my own opinions on this topic, but I never took time to listen to God’s heart about his view on things. My opinion was more about me than Him. His perspective has changed that.

Christians can go to one church and hear about how worthless we are and how we fail God as Christians. They can take a pounding that leaves them feeling hopeless and defeated. This is not what God wants. Then again, they can go to another and hear about how Jesus wants us to always be healthy and wealthy and happy. People either become incredibly critical, materialistic, and/or self-focused when the messages preached are always about what “we” need to do to change the direction of our lives. This is not what God wants either. So, is this really where our focus is supposed to be?

If we want to bear the fruit of the Holy Spirit, (love, joy peace patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control), then should’t we be placing our focus and worship on the Holy Spirit of God? Shouldn’t church be about the glory of God instead of people?  When did it become about us?  These were my thoughts as I pondered John 15:5.  “I am the vine and you are the branches, if you abide in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit.  Apart from me, you can do nothing.”

When Michael (my Hubby for those who don’t know) returned from church last week and shared with me the vision my pastor had and is leading us in through this 40 Day Journey to Become, I was blown away at what he told me because it was exactly what I was writing that day. The scriptures used are different but, the message is the same.  We need to stop doing. We need to become. We need to be seeking after God’s glory, not our own.  We need to become the church God created to bring His Kingdom to Earth. It’s about Him.  It’s about how amazing He is.  It’s about His sovereignty, His majesty, His power, His presence through the whole earth.  It’s about abiding in Christ as He abides in us through the Holy Spirit of God! It’s not about what we can do.  Apart from Him we can do nothing. It’s time for all of us to wake up and stand in awe of the glory of God. That’s it! That is just the end all!  There is nothing more for us to do! When we stand in awe of God, He will be glorified.  The lost will be saved!  His Kingdom comes to earth through us as we abide in Him and He in us!

With all of this said, I have felt a strong leading to study John 15 during this 40 day period.  From this point forward, I will be journaling here as I go on my personal journey with our church to become.