The Abuse Monster

It is so sad how women get treated when they flee from situations of domestic violence. No wonder so many don’t leave. Here is how it goes with almost every case….The abuser has the money/power and charisma to get pity and mercy from the court. The victim gets the main responsibility for the children. The abuser continues to abuse through the children and turn them against the victim. The victim loses most of her friends and has little support from her family/church because the abuser manipulates them into thinking that the victim is the problem. It’s a horrible hell to live through…but for those who stick it out…it is far better than the hell they would be in if they stayed. For those who are victimized daily…remove yourself. For those who are watching, try to understand that things may not be what you think. This is somebody who will need help that goes beyond food and shelter. This person will need love, support, friendship, patience, mercy, grace, counseling, hugs, rehabilitation, education and so much more for him/herself and the children. The church needs to be educated on how to meet these needs because they are very different than any other and far more complex. My heart aches everytime I talk to a woman who is going through this and I feel so helpless to meet their needs other than to listen. I was this person. I know what they are thinking, feeling, and experiencing. I want to find a way to help even more. I want to give them hope…because there is hope. I know a God who knows and can meet all our needs in Christ Jesus. I know a King who was abused and rejected and left to die. He has the answer. He knows what it’s like and He knows what you need dear victim of abuse. Your first step towards rehabilitation is to trust Him.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Toxic Relationships

I have recently had to make the decision to remove myself from a relationship that has been toxic for quite some time.  It was a very difficult decision that I am still struggling with.  I know that it’s very possible that I could end up slipping out of this commitment to sever the ties and move on.  I love this dear friend who I have had to choose to walk away from.  Walking away from relationships is heart wrenching, especially when the relationships  have been through a series of storms and survived.  Sometimes relationships begin well, but over time they turn.  It happens slowly and gradually until one day, you find yourself being repeatedly wounded by somebody who once cared for you.  Although it is obvious that the friend no longer has their heart invested, you continue to have hope and try to hold it together, only to have the same wounds reopened time and time again with absolutely no conviction.  Are you in a relationship like this?  Does your happiness depend on how that person treats you from day to day?  This is a co-dependency.   This relationship is toxic.  When two people are not equally invested in a relationship and the give and take is not going both ways, perhaps it is time to re-evaluate.  Perhaps it is time to move on and seek out healthier relationships.

If your family, friends, counselors, pastors, and/or others are repeatedly telling you that you should let go of a certain relationship then heed their advice. It is unwise not to.  How could so many say the same thing and be wrong?  Several years ago, during a personal retreat, God spoke to me and told me that He was calling me to let go.  I never knew what this meant.  At the time I was involved in a romantic relationship which was not good for either of us.  I had just started dating this man whom I will call “Todd”.  Todd and I had very different views, desires, and expectations from relationships.  After several months of conflict, by mutual agreement, we ended the relationship peacefully.  It was hard on both of us because we cared for one another but we knew that marriage was not part of God’s plan for us, therefore continuing to date was pointless.  When God told me on that retreat that I had to let go, I thought it was in regard to Todd alone.  I was disappointed and refused to believe it.  Therefore, I didn’t do it right away.  When we finally let go of the relationship, I thought it was over and I had let go as God had asked me to.  However, looking back, I realize that Todd was just the beginning. The main relationship God was asking me to let go of was not only the relationship with Todd, but even more, one with a long time close friend who was very dear to my heart.  Our relationship had become toxic but I just couldn’t let go.  I kept convincing myself that if I loved and forgave and strived for unity, the relationship would change and God would spare it.  This did not happen. Several years later, I have finally come to a place where I see that it is time to close this chapter of my life and it isn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination.

Because I kept trying to hold on to what God told me to let go of, it had a toxic effect on not just that friendship, but  every other relationship in my life.  I finally have come to a place where I am ready to let go (and just saying those words is like a breeze of fresh clean air blowing through my heart).  I am sharing this journey because I am human and I have normal struggles just like others who struggle with addictions.  I may slip.  I hope I don’t.  But, I know I could.  Nobody is above this.  Nobody.  Toxic relationships are addictive, dangerous, and can even become deadly in extreme cases.  They all kill a person’s self-esteem and even more, a person’s walk with God.  When God calls you to let go…make haste!  Do not delay! You will be spared so much pain.  I am preaching to myself when I write this!

Holding on to things we are supposed to let go of keeps us from being able to grab onto the treasures that are right in front of us.  Let go of toxic relationships.  When you find yourself doing all the giving but getting nothing in return; when you are constantly feeling a knot in your stomach and a fear of being in the presence of another; when you feel left out, unwanted, rejected, and it’s all your fault; these are sure signs that you need to get out of that relationship.  Let it go!  You can’t fix a relationship unless the other party sees what is wrong and wants it fixed too. Rarely does this happen.  It doesn’t matter if they say they love you.  It doesn’t matter if they say they care.  It doesn’t matter how many times they hug you or say, “I”m sorry”.  What matters is what their actions say.  Observe closely and don’t let your desires for the relationship blind you or make you think there is hope when it is time to walk away. Give yourself the right to grieve and your wounds the time to heal.  Then you will be free to move on to healthier relationships with others.