Lenten 2014 Journey – Day 10

I recently came across this in my drafts folder. I have no idea why it never made it to the blog but it needs to.  It triggered such a beautiful memory and a moment that changed my life and who I am forever.  I don’t think this young mom will ever know how much I grew in my faith walk because of her…….

The Post:

The last several days have been trying to say the least (not to mention the intense frustration with a computer gone haywire).  Often times, in our humanity, we tend to focus on the fasting of Lent.  We place our focus on the very thing we are giving up .  This defeats the point.  The idea is to give up personal desire and replacing that desire with a desire for a deeper walk with Christ.  When I started this season of Lent, I really wasn’t sure what it was that God was asking me to surrender to Him during this season of fasting and focusing.  However, He made it blatantly clear at the retreat what He expected from me.

In order for me to see what needed to go, I had to be humbled by a young mother who spoke Jesus’ words to me – just the way I would imagine He would have spoken had he been the one sitting beside me on that porch swing.  It is kindness that leads to repentance.  As she spoke to me in regards to some mistakes I had made in the way I went about finding a solution to a problem, I felt as if a sword had pierced my heart.  Her intent wasn’t to bring me to a place of conviction.  Her intent wasn’t to point out that I needed to repent for any sin.  It was just in the bold but gentle discussion we had, I realized that pride had caused me to fall.  I had jumped ahead of God, without Him, all the while thinking I was doing the right thing with the right heart attitude.

It was after this conversation that the Lord caused me to search my heart as He revealed my true intentions and I realized they were not all as pure as I had convinced myself that they were.  I was ashamed that it took the wisdom of such a young, Christian mother to show me how much I need to grow.  I should be the role model for the young women, yet, so many young women are setting a much better example for me to follow.  This really knocked the “spiritual wind” right out of me.

As the women retreated downstairs for a movie, I found myself locked in the bathroom, kneeling at the edge of the bathtub, helpless and broken.  I wept so hard, and so long.  I felt so worthless and hopeless to ever grow and be where I should be in my walk with God.  I repented.  I repented and repented and repented with all my heart and everything I had in me.  I felt sick and I just wanted to go home but God would not let me.

After about 30 minutes or so, I realized that this sweet lady, who had been checking up on me all weekend to make sure I was ok, would very likely miss me and I needed to dry it up.  I knew she would be by soon.  So, I did my best to gather myself together and dry it up.  I applied some Visine  in hopes to get my swollen bloody red eyes to calm down and not reveal the level of heartbreak that was going on inside.  I needed to deal with this with God, nobody else so I didn’t want to let on how emotional I had been.

Just moments later, before the Visine even had time to dry in my eyes, sure enough, there came a knock at the door and there she was just as I had expected.  “Are you okay?” she asked.

As  I promptly swung the door open, I belted out, with tears streaming, “Will you please stop checking on me!  I am fine!!!!”

She reached out and hugged me and it was exactly what I needed.  It was so wonderful that my eyes are filling up with tears as I write this.  My immature actions had directly impacted her, yet she reached out to me to comfort me in my brokenness.  I felt loved, not only by this sweet young lady, but also by my Jesus.

Just Tell Tell Them….Lent (Day 11)

I always have good intentions to write daily about my Lenten experience but I just can’t ever seem to pull it off.  This year, I am especially overwhelmed with so many things that finding time to sit and write…or even just to be still seems almost impossible. But today I made time.  I may not get a post up every day, but when I do…it’s going to be straight from the heart of God.

Today, God has brought me to a place He brought me to many years ago. This place led to my salvation. But it’s even more amazing today because I am His. I wasn’t then. After many years of struggle and growth…today, through praying for my child, I realized for myself, how much He has done for me…I really thought about the words that we become so desensitized to because we hear it so much as Christians. “Jesus, took God’s wrath in my place.” I was reawakened to the depth of mercy and grace that has been extended to me. Mercy/grace…pardon given where it is undeserved. I also hear it said so often, “no greater love than this, that one should lay down his life for a brother”. No greater grace, no greater mercy can be shown than that which God sent to me through His perfect Son. I spent my life spitting on the cross that Jesus embraced in my place. HE TOOK ON THE WRATH OF GOD for ME! I can’t imagine what it would be like for me right now if Jesus hadn’t done that. I can’t imagine how messed up my life would be if I didn’t have that point where I decided to follow Him. The greatest freedom I have ever received in this life is realizing that it’s not about me at all and I am most miserable when I try to make it about me…to protect myself, my rights and to seek revenge on others…to build walls. Trying to protect me is equivalent to locking myself in a jail cell to be safe. I am my greatest enemy….and as God has even shown me mercy and grace, so I need to do so also to my worst enemy…me! I have no greater enemy than myself apart from God. I need to stop beating myself up for my mistakes. I need to stop identifying myself through the eyes of others and even through the eyes of my past mistakes and lies. My identity is in Christ alone…I could go on all day! I feel like yet another door to a whole new world in Christ has opened today…and He used one of my children to instigate it. I truly believe that this is part of the reason children are such a blessing…not for the “feel good” stuff so much as how God uses them to grow His fruit in us.

I have struggled for days trying to tie together a message I have been preparing for a group I will be sharing with tomorrow. Today, when I prayed and asked God to tell me what He wants me to say, I heard Him say, “Just tell them how much I love them” over and over and over.  “They have lost sight of their First Love.  They need to be reminded. Tell them how much I love them.”