Goodbye Yesterday

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:14)

Almost a year ago, God called me to let go of a toxic relationship. It’s amazing that people like to hold on to these things!  He was about to place me in a position to teach a couple semesters on healthy relationships but in order to do that, I had to be set free myself.  I had been very close to a particular friend for many years and things just took a turn for the worst.  I often found the relationship once so dear to me, had been leaving me feeling worthless, heartbroken, and rejected. It became so overwhelming that I knew I couldn’t carry the load anymore.  After one final pivotal heart breaking moment, I knew it was time to let go.

As I cried, I felt God speak to my heart quite firmly, “You have grieved over this relationship for several years now. You have thirty minutes to grieve then it’s time to move on.”

So, when my thirty minutes were up, I dried off my tears and turned on some worship music. It was no coincidence that I heard “I Can Trust You” by Rebecca St. James.  (You can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Io_ClFZ251c)

Every single word spoke to exactly what I had been struggling with.  I was set free that day.  I had to forgive and let go and trust Him.  But, in order to trust Him, I also had to cut off all communication or else I’d try to “fix” it myself. I had done this before so many times and only made a bigger mess of things. I also just opened the door to more sorrow and disappointment.

That Sunday (Memorial Day weekend, May 27, 2012), the message at church was on forgiveness.  I was set free from the bitterness of unforgiveness. I publicly surrendered to my church that God had placed a call on my life to serve Him through ministry to women.  I had privately surrendered many years ago. I just never made a public profession.  I wanted to make it official for the accountability.  I was able to forgive and totally let go (or so I thought).  Doors of opportunity in ministry flew open after this. During this time, God gave me the blessing of leading four women to receiving Christ as Savior.  This was just the beginning.

It wasn’t long before I began to face many trials and difficult challenges.  Things didn’t turn out as I expected.  I began to look at the situation through human eyes and experienced great disappointment in myself, others, and worst of all, God.  However, I saw a glimmer of hope when my former friend began initiating contact with me  (you know, the one I had “let go” of).  We began having some conversations and I hoped that maybe God had worked in her heart as He had been in mine over the past year.  Perhaps she had seen things from a new perspective.  Perhaps a time of reconciliation was coming.

At His lead, I reached out again.  I opened my heart to this friend, thinking that the response would offer hope for a new beginning.  Much to my dismay, this was not the case.  I unexpectedly found myself, once again, grieving over what was lost and disappointed in myself and God. I wondered if I had thought it His will to open up but was wrong.  I went back to the place God had taken me from.  I didn’t understand why God would open that door again only to slam it in my face.  I began to doubt that it was ever God’s will to open my heart.  Perhaps I had jumped ahead of Him?  Maybe.  Never-the-less, He works all things out for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). The veil has lifted.  I understand now.

This was a test, a trial, a challenge. It was a season of growth and maturity (as all trials are).  It was a time for God to open my eyes to show me where the focus of my heart had shifted (to me).  He exposed a weakness that I thought I had conquered.  Now He has given me victory again.  I was so disappointed that things hadn’t changed.  I saw the weakness I still had whenever I revisited the past.  I still longed to fix what was broken and restore what was lost.  I still wanted my way to be His way instead of longing for His way to be mine.  When will I ever learn?

The entire year that I attempted to follow God through letting go, I secretly hoped that it was only temporary and that the time apart would allow the relationship to be mended (I was in denial that I was still holding on).  I could not, would not accept that this season of my life was past and needed to stay there.   My mind had let go, but what I didn’t realize was that even though I sincerely believed I was walking in obedience and was blessed for doing so, my heart was still holding on to the hope that the letting go would restore the relationship.  That is not letting go.  Letting go means letting go.  It means that I no longer long for what was.  It means that that thing no longer makes an impact on today.  It means that I accept what is and change my focus to moving forward.

I saw a status on Facebook not too long ago.  It stated that we can’t see the door that God has opened if we are still trying to get through one that has been closed behind us.  It took some time soaking the floor with tears.  But, God has answered.  He has shown me Truth.  And now, He has given me what I need to let go with my heart.  So, with that said, I would like to publicly say, “Goodbye yesterday!”  I am free once again.  I see the door He has opened (future post) and I am going through.  This time, I will not look back!